Letting Go
by Wizzluv
Summary: What happened during the mission doesn't matter. Everything was going according to plan, and in an instant, it all went wrong. What's important is that at the end of it all, Lance was captured by Haggar. He was knocked out and taken on to a ship.


It was dark. Cold. Lance woke up with his body limp on the floor. His wrists and ankles had weighted cuffs that connected him to a grody cell wall with a disturbing amount of unknown dried liquids. The wall directly in front of him looked like the entrance and exit to this delightful room. One side of the room had an elevated concrete slab. There was a pillow at the head of the slab so Lance assumed it was supposed to be a bed. On the other side was an open hole on the floor. Although it wasn't like a western toilet, it still looked like it had a flushing system. When Lance began to shift his body he felt a fire travel from his left knee to his head. He could suddenly feel all of the bruises sprinkled across his body. His head pounded like a low, echoing, drum. Everything hurt, even his fingernails. He noticed that he wasn't in his armor anymore, rather, he was dressed in a baggy, purple shirt and black pants that cut off mid shin.

When Lance had managed to push himself into a sitting position, his cell door opened. Sharp purple light burst through the doorway. Haggar stood in front of him with two guards behind her. She had a wicked grin on her face. If Lance didn't know his situation a minute ago, he definitely did now. Haggar said, "Blue paladin, I am looking forward to the fun I will have with you." Her pointy teeth exaggerated her already malicious chuckle. She turned around and exited the room. The doors were closed and the room got two shades darker. At that moment, Lance knew what he had to do to survive and not put his friends in danger.

He closed his eyes and took in a deep and steady breath. He held the air in his lungs for a second. He thought about the effort he put into caring about himself, the night routine he designed to keep him healthy, the trust he put in his teammates, the love his paladins have shown him, food goo lunches with Hunk, video games with Pidge, wacky story time with Coran, spa nights with Allura, training and banter with Keith, strategizing with Shiro, and with snow exhale, he let it all go.

And it felt good. Horrifyingly good. So good he wondered why he didn't do it sooner. Lance, for a brief moment, marveled at how easy it was to destroy his hard work. There was a constant pressure pushing at his protective bubble, and it only took a moment of weakness for the pressure to break in and consume him. He came to a strange realization; he was no longer using all of his energy to maintain the facade of a functioning human being, but now he felt more exhausted than ever.

Lance's physical body mirrored his mental state. All of his muscles became relaxed, even in tighten chains twisting him in uncomfortable positions. He was slouched with his back against the back wall in his cell. The metal from his bindings were pinching at his thighs and hips uncomfortably. He couldn't manage the motivation to actually move, though. Consumed in thought, Lance faded away from the smelly prison cell and traveled to his constant inner turmoil. Without a combating voice saying things like, "you're overreacting", or, "take a breath, you'll be okay" or, "you matter. You are important. Keep going", all that was left was unchecked speculation. Self deprecation. Self blame. Why am I on the team? Do they all secretly hate me? Of course they do, how could they ever like you? You're annoying. Bratty. Don't know when to shut up. Weak. A liability. Useless. Worthless. The seventh wheel. They couldn't wait to get rid of you. They were waiting for this moment, you know, the moment when you disappear? I bet they're rejoicing. Now they can get an actual paladin for Blue. You were never good enough for her. They will be so much better off without you. You were weighing them down. After all, why do you think you were the one to get captured?

This stream of consciousness repeated itself until Haggar entered his cell again. She introduced phase one of torture: lightning. She used her magic to hold Lance in the air as she sent painful energy through his body. Lance could feel the pain in his spine. He felt like someone was trying to rip every vertebrae apart from each other at the same time. Lance's bloodstream ached too; it felt like boiling, bubbling, water running through his veins. He screamed, voice scratchy and full, each time his body was hit with the energy. By the end of the torture session, screams were more like whimpers. After being alien electrocuted for the 37th time, Haggar slammed Lance's body on to the hard floor. After regaining the air that was just forcefully pushed out of his body, Lance said, "ow." His response was monotone and quiet. He slowly blinked. His eyes were tired. All he wanted to do was sleep.

Haggar returned the next day and repeated the torture. The third day she suspended Lance in the air. Every few hours a guard would come in and arrange his body so circulation would not be totally cut off. Haggar brought him down on day ten. On day twelve Lance was thrown in the ring, but after he refused to fight and consequently almost died, he was brought into medical care.

At that point, the Galra realized keeping Lance alive was more important than the torture. He was malnourished. He hardly slept, drank, or eat. Lance wasn't actively trying to kill himself; he simply couldn't muster the strength to care about those things. After they forced nutrients into Lance's body, they returned him to his cell.

Haggar decided that if physical torture was working, she would climb into his mind. She often avoided doing this because it was more exhaustive and tedious. Nonetheless, she made her way into Lance's cell and used Altean mind magic to see into his thoughts.

But she could not get anything out of Lance's mind. Frustrated, Haggar flung Lance across the cell and into the wall. Haggar said, "Nothing I have tried has made you crack. Even prying into your thoughts is pointless. Your mind is so cluttered I can't tell what's real. You're useless to me." Lance chuckled. He turned his head and with a twitch of a smile said, "Of course I am. You can't break something that's already broken. Your torture is nothing to me." The second Lance became a prisoner, he turned himself into a shattered mess of self hatred.

When Pidge found Lance's location, everyone piled into Green to go rescue Lance. Shiro gently cradled Lance and started the journey back to the Green Lion. Lance felt a tingle in the space between his ribcage. Lance felt safe enough to relax into the torso of the Black Paladin. Lance closed his eyes and let the world fade away.

After the chaos of rescue had settled, Hunk had a moment to really look at Lance. Hunk had only seen Lance like this at the Garrison. When they first met, Lance had a few periodic episodes, but their intensity and frequency heightened after Shiro's disappearance. That, along with Keith's following expulsion and Iverson being a dick, turned Lance into a lump. Hunk didn't really know what to do to help his friend, but he was willing to try anything.

He started by giving Lance company. Hunk would sit on the edge of his bed and talk about everything on his mind. On good days, Lance held up his end of the conversation and even made bad puns. On not so good days, Lance imitated death and never said a word. Even then, Hunk never stopped talking. He hoped that his constant stream of words would fill up Lance's brain before the negative thoughts did.

Next, Hunk forced Lance to exercise and eat. Hunk would drag Lance out of bed, carry him if he had to, and take him on walks around the campus. There wasn't much pretty scenery to look at outside, but outside walks were their favorite. Hunk liked breathing in the fresh air. Lance liked leaving the constant hum of the building that you don't notice was there until you leave. Hunk also tried to get Lance to go to the cafeteria as much as possible. But Hunk noticed how being around many people made Lance feel uneasy. Hunk had them befriended the kitchen staff and convinced them to let him use the kitchen after hours. Sometimes Hunk cooked during formal meals to spend time with his kitchen staff friends. They appreciated the help, Hunk enjoyed the conversation, and to top it all of, Hunk always had freshly cooked food to bring to Lance.

Lastly, Hunk taught Lance how to take care of himself. It's a little known fact that Lance's famous skin care routine came from Hunk. Hunk's mother owned a spa, and from a young age Hunk loved to experiment with the seemingly endless products in the store. Along the way, he himself became a kind of a beauty guru. Sometimes he would help out his mom and take a shift doing facials. Hunk wrote an email to his mother asking for the best variety of products to help his friend. His mother delivered, and two weeks after his email, a care package stuffed to the brim with sampler bottles arrived at his door. Hunk made it a nightly routine to experiment with the products every night. Soon, Lance had favorites and created a whole nightly routine.

The combination of these actions, as well as Lance's will to get better, slowly helped Lance become the man who pilots the Blue Lion. This was not easy by any means, nor was it a cure. It was a lifestyle change. This new environment didn't change the fact that Lance sometimes fell into a pit of loneliness and despair, but it made getting out of the hole a little easier. It also made sure that he didn't deteriorate while in that hole.

Lance always equated Hunk to a hero, but all Hunk ever wanted was for Lance to be happy and healthy. He doesn't need the praise, and Hunk has told Lance this before, but that has never stopped Lance from reminding him how much he deserved it. They still managed to have midnight tasting sessions and once a week spa nights on the castle ship, but it got harder the more defending the universe became real. Even then, they were both in good places. Until now.

Now, Lance was in his bed. His eyes were closed and the whole team was gathered in the small room. No game plan had been made yet. The initial anger felt when they rescued Lance had faded and now they sat with their sadness and gratitude. Hunk sat with his back against the edge of Lance's bed. Pidge sat in Hunks lap and was toying with a gadget she made for Lance while he was gone. Keith was leaning in the corner with his foot tapping on the floor. Shiro was also standing close to Keith. Allura and Coran were sitting next to each other by the doorway. The only sound in the room was the tapping of Keith's foot and Pidge's fidgeting.

Hunk had never seen Lance so deflated in all the years he's known him. Hunk wanted to be the hero Lance thought he was. Everyone wanted to see their Blue Paladin bounce back but… really… they had no idea if Lance would ever be the same.


End file.
